O them'at read this book an are disappointed becoss aw've described noa 'Seets' but what they knew all abaat befoar, awd simply beg on em to bear i' mind 'at they didn't mak a new Payris o' purpose for me to visit;—an to them 'at's inclined to daat trewth o' some o'th' descriptions aw do give, becoss when they wor thear things lukt different to them, awd beg em to remember at we dooant all see wi th' same een, an if it had been intended 'at we should, one pair o' een wod ha done for th' lot, an then what wod ha becoom o'th' spectacle makkers. Nah, if hawf o'th' book is fact, that's worth sixpence, an if t'other hawf is fancy, that's worth sixpence; soa bless mi life I what wod yo have?
Yors i' hard eearnest,
Dedicated As Token Of Respect, To
John Stansfield, Esq., Halifax.
With The Best Wishes Of
The Author.
November, 1878.
W nivver intended to let yo know what had happened when aw went to Payris, but as aw wor foolish enough to tak' another chap wi me, an as awm feeard if aw did'nt tell he wod, why awm foorced to tell misen. Nah, awm quite willin' to admit'at ther may'nt be mich'at yo'll consider reight abaat it but for mi' own Karacter's sake aw shall try to prove at ther wor nowt varry far wrang.
Aw could like to tell yo all aw saw an' all aw heeard, but aw've lived long enuff to know at trewth isnt allus pleasant, an' i' this case awm sewer it wod'nt be, for if aw may judge other fowk bi' misen awm foorced to say at th' inklin aw gate o' some types o' society made a bad impression'at has'nt left me yet.
Awd been advised whativver else aw did, to leeav Mally at hooam, for they sed noa chap could enjoy hissen i' Payris if he tuk a woman wi' him, an' especially if shoo considered hersen to be his guardian angel, which is another word for maister.
But aw did'nt feel inclined to goa bi' misen like a wanderin' jew, soa aw went to ax Billy Baccus if he'd join me an' then we could goa like th' Cussican brothers. Nah, it soa happened at Billy had been ailin' for a long time, ha long nubdy knew but hissen, for he's a famous memory an' booasts'at he can recollect his father an' mother havin' a fratch as to whether th' next child should be a lad or a lass befoor he wor born; but then awm nooan foorced to believe all he says, an' yo can please yorsen. Hasomivver, his ailments began somewhear abaat that time, an' he's nivver had ony gradely health sin. When Billy's at hooam he keeps a beershop at th' moorside an' does a varry tidy trade ov a Sundy, but durin' th' wick its seldom or ivver at onybody darkens th' door an' that's a varry gooid job, for he's sich a martyr to his trade, an' soa anxious to suit his customers, at he'll nivver sarve onybody wi a pint until he's supt a gill to sample it, an' when it comes shuttin' up time, he's soa full up at he has to sit ith' arm cheer as straight as a pikestaff for fear if he should lig daan it mud run aght an' be wasted. During th' rest o' th' wick he suffers tarribly, an' monny a time he's hard warkto get on wi his brewin.
He's nivver been wed, tho' he's a gooid lukkin' chap enuff, but his old mother lives wi him an' nurses him up as weel as shoo can. Shoo's tell'd him monny a time at shoo thinks he'd be better if he'd a wife, but he allus says he's feeard if he wor wed an' should have ony childer'at they might have his complaint an' he doesnt want to be th' means o' onybody else havin' to suffer as he's done. But altho' his mother has a deal to do for him, shoo's varry praad on him, for he's her only lad an' shoo says he's th' best brewer at ivver smell'd o' malt, an' for a duzzen year he's nivver had a brewin at womt fit to sup, though nah and then ther's one'at isnt fit to sell, but he's ov a careful turn an' nivver wastes it, an' wol he's suppin that he's savin' summat better, an' if it maks noa profit yet it isnt mich ov a loss. Aw've tell'd yo soa mich abaat Billy to introduce him like, an' yo'll get to know him better as we goa on.
Aw tuk th' first chonce aw had to goa see him an it happened to be Sundy mornin' an' he wor varry bad, an' when aw tell'd him what aw wanted he grooaned like a sick caah, an' puttin' his hand onto his wayscoit he shuk his heead an' stared at me as if aw wor a bum bailey come for th' rent.
"Payris!" he sed, after waitin' for a minit or two, "Payris! what have aw to do wi Payris? A'a! lad, if tha nobbut knew what aw suffer! It's weel to be like thee at nivver ails owt, but if tha'd sich a miserable carryin' on as aw have tha'd have summat else to think on! Awm bilious tha knows, an' aw wor born soa, an' awm feeard awst nivver be better. What wi ta have to sup? Awve some ov as grand four-penny as tha ivver tasted. Mother, just draw a pint for Sammy, he'll do wi' it after trailin' up here, an' yo can draw me a pint too for that matter for it cannot mak' me ony war nor aw am."
"Aw think sometimes'at tha'd be better if tha did'nt sup quite as much as tha does Billy," sed his mother.
He nivver answered her, but after hauf emptyin' th' pint he sed, "Payris! whativver's put Payris into thi heead? Why, they're all feightin' aw reckon i' that quarter arn't they? Aw remember some chaps tawkin' abaat it ith' kitchen one Sundy'at neet."
"Feightin'! net they marry! That's aboon hauf a duzzen year sin."
"It is a bit sin aw believe, but aw nivver heeard at they'd dropt it, but if its all ovver what does ta want to goa for? does ta think they're baan to fuffen agean?"
"Billy, tha caars up here wol tha knows nowt abaat what's gooin on ith' world."
"A chap at's troubled wi bile has plenty to do withaat botherin' wi th' world—but aw mud happen ha gooan if they'd been gooin to have another set too. Payris! whativver is ther to goa to Payris for when they've done fuffenin?"
"If ther'd been onny feightin' aw should'nt ha wanted to goa, tha can be sewer o' that, but ther's th' exhibition, an' they say ther wor nivver owt as grand befoor an' its th' grandest city ith' world, an' its full o' moniments an' fine buildins, an' ivverything ats worth lukkin' at."
"Why, what does ta want wi fine buildins,—are ta thinkin' abaat flittin? Aw should think at yond haase tha's lived in soa long wod fit thee thy bit o' time aght, an' then varry likely, if tha leaves yor Mally owt tha'll get a moniment o' thi own, an' as for th' exhibition;—aw generally try to goa to Keighley Cattle show once ith' year, though aw've missed for three or four year aw believe, but that's gooid enuff for me. Payris! nay, awst goa nooan to Payris if ther's noa fuffenin."
"Well, tha mun be like to suit thisen,—aw nobbut thowt tha'd happen like to get shut o' that bile at troubles thi soa, an' they say at ther's monny a scoor goa for nowt else."
"Nah tha begins to tawk sense. If aw thowt gooin to Payris ud cure me an' mak' me like other fowk awd goa befoor aw went to bed! What sooart ov a place is it for gettin summat to sup?"
"Th' best ith' world an' th' cheapest, an if tha'll goa aw believe tha'll be a man new made ovver agean, an' they say ther's th' bonniest women thear at's to be fun onny whear, an' who knows but what tha mud leet o' one."
"Bonny wimmen, says ta? Aw care nowt abaat em bein bonny, have they onny brass? That's what's wanted isnt it mother?"
"Aw think tha's brass enough, an' if settin' off for a day or two'll mak' thi better, if aw wor thee awd goa."
"Well, fill theas two pints agean an' awl think abaat it."
"Awst ha noa moor ale this fornooin," aw sed, "an' if tha thinks o' gooin' tha'll ha to mak up thi mind sharp for aw mun be off hooam."
"Tha'rt allus in a hurry when tha comes here, but ha mich will it cost?"
"Ten paand'll see thi throo it nicely aw think."
"Tha thinks does ta? But aw mun be sewer afoor aw start! Awm nooan gooin to slave my sow! aght for th' best pairt ov a lifetime o' purpose to tak it to keep a lot o' lazzy french fowk! But when does ta think o' gooin?"
"Next Wedensdy mornin—tha's lots o' time to get ready.".
"Well, awl goa if it settles me. But can ta tawk French?"
"Nay, but aw've getten a book an awm leearin a word or two."
"Does ta know th' French for a pint o' ale?"
"Nay but aw can sooin leearn it."
"Well, be sewer tha does,—or tha'd happen better mak it a quairt wol thar't abaat it for ther'll be two on us to it."
"Awl mak' that all reight. Soa awl expect thi to meet me at Bradforth station bi nine o'clock."
"Awst be thear. Then tha will'nt have another pint?"
"Noa moor aw mun be off nah—Gooid day!"
"Gooid day! nah dooant forget to leeam th' French for a quairt an' we can manage for owt else."
Aw wor glad to get away for fear he should change his mind, an' aw knew awd some bits ov arrangements to mak' o' mi own, an' th' leeast on em wornt makkin it all reight wi Mally.
When aw gate hooam an' tell'd her at aw wor thinkin' o' gooin, shoo set too an' blagarded me as nubdy else has a reight to do, an' shoo finished up wi sayin', "An' soa tha'rt gooin to Payris are ta?"
"Aw am," aw sed, "an' its a pity tha cannot goa wi' me, but tha knows as well as me'at a haase left to itsen gooas to rack an' ruination. Tha knows what trouble it is for me to goa away an' leave thee at hooam."
"Sammywell, if tha tawks as tha does aw shall begin to think'at tha's forgettin ha to spaik trewth. Aw dunnot know what awve done, nor what tha'rt short on at hooam, nor what it is tha meets wi when tha'rt away, but for this last two-o'-three year if tha's stopt at hooam for a day or two tha's been war nor a worm on a whut backstun an' tha nivver seems happy unless tha'rt galivantin abaat; but its noa use me wastin' mi' wind tawkin' to thi, for tha's made up thi mind to goa thi own gate an' it'll be varry weel if it doesnt land thi somewhear at last whear tha'll find a deal moor brimstun nor tha will traitle, mark that. If aw could see ony gooid tha gate aght on it, it mud be different, but ther's noa improvement in thi. Tha wor nivver nowt to luk at an' varry little to feel at, an' tha seems to pride thisen i' thi awkardness. Tha seems to forget at tha'rt a gron-father; but tha can goa awther to Payris or to Payredise for owt aw care, but aw believe tha'll just come back th' same as tha went, or else war."
"Well, but if aw goa to Payris awst happen come back french-polished an' then tha'll hardly know me.
"Aw pity them at'll have th' french-polishin o' thee, for they'll ha ther wark set! All th' bees wax an' turpitine ith' country ud be wasted o' thee. But awl tell thi what aw think, Sammywell, an' aw've been considerin it for th' last forty year—"
"Spaik aght lass, an' let's know th' warst."
"Ther's nowt nawther nice nor new in it, aw weant say whether tha wor born soa or tha's made thisen soa, but th' conclusion awve come to is'at tha'rt a fooil."
"Well, tha mud be farther off th' mark nor that, an' tha's tell'd me th' same tale soa oft wol tha's ommost made me believe it misenj; but what says ta, will ta goa wi me?"
"Sammywell! aw've been wed to thi all theas years an' aw should ha thowt, simpleton as tha art, at tha'd ha geen me credit for moor sense. What have aw to goa to Payris for? Who's to wesh theas clooas aw should like to know if aw goa scaarin a country same as thee? Ther's awr Hepsaba wi yond youngest child hardly a twelvemonth old, an' awm expectin to be sent for ivvery day an' neet, but tha wod'nt care if shoo'd to goa abaat wi a child i' awther arm an' a couple teed to her back, tha'd goa to Payris an' leeav em to muck amang it; but awm different to thee, aw want to be whear aw can be o' some use to them at belangs to me an net ramlin' abaat makkin misen a laffinstock for fowk! But awst be suited when thart gooan for awst ha one less to luk after, an' if tha stops wol aw send for thi back tha'll net show thi face i' this fold agean yet a bit!"
Aw set varry quiet an' sed nowt for aw knew if aw spaik aw should mak' it war, an' after shoo'd scaled fire an' clattered th' pooaker agean th' ribs, banged th' ovven door to, upset th' tangs, punced th' fender aght ov its place an' dragged it back agean, shoo turned raand an' sed as quiet as could be, "Then what wi ta want to tak' wi thi, coss tha'd better let's be knowin soas aw can get it ready an' net drive ivverything to th' last minit?"
"Varry few things'll suit me, for we're nobbut gooin for a day or two."
"We! who does ta mean bi a 'we'?"
"Aw've been to ax Billy Baccus if he'll goa wi' me, aw thowt he'd be a bit o' cumpny tha knows."
"Oh! Billy Baccus is it? Well an' awm fain tha has axd him! yo do reight to goa together, Billy an' thee! They'd ha built another, exhibition if they'd known you'd been gooin, Billy Baccus! raillee, Sammywell! an' what does his mother say? Is he baan to tak' a brewery wi him or will he rent one wol he's thear?"
Someha this seemed to put Mally in a gooid temper an' aw wor nooan inclined to spoil it, soa aw laft when shoo laft an' ther wor nowt onnymoor sed.
Th' momin sooin coom, an' when aw wor biddin' Mally gooid bye, aw slipt a bit o' paper into her hand at awd scribbled on,
Awm gooin to leeav thi Mally lass,
But tho' aw love to rooam;
Awst nivver let an' haar pass,
Withaat a thowt for hooam.
An' tho' aw feeast mi'een o' seets All strange, an' wondrous grand;
Awst turn mi heart i'th' silent neets,
To this mi' native land.
Awst think o' thee, at's shared mi woe,
'At's proved mi' joy as well;
An' far an' wide wheare'er aw goa,
Awst prize nooan like thisel.
Shoo read it—"A'a, Sammywell!" shoo sed, "tha thinks tha can get ovver me onnytime wi' a bit 0' nonsense like that, but tha mun mind tha doesnt try it on once too oft. Try an' tak' care o' thisen, but whativver else be careful 0' thi umberel!"
Aw wor sooin at th' station an' Billy wor waitin. If ivver aw saw th' pictur o' misery it wor his face that mornin'.
"Ha does ta feel?" aw says.
"War an' war, aw think awst ha to give it up, awm nooan fit to goa."
"It's a pity tha set off," aw sed, "has ta getten wai sin tha left hooam?"
"Nay aw've been soa ivver sin aw saw thi; aw should like to goa, but a'a dear a me!"
"Why then," aw says, "aw need'nt get two tickets?"
"Noa, get one for thisen, aw've getten mine."
"An' whear's thi luggage?"
"Its ith' van yonder all reight."
Aw sed noa moor but gate mi ticket—th' time wor up, we jumpt into th' carriage an' wor sooin off to London.
EXT to bein' th' eleventh chap to get into a carriage'at's suppooased to be weel packed wi' ten, aw hate to travel wi' one chap'at's made up his mind to be miserable—an' aw could see in a twinklin' 'at Bill meant it.
But aw wor off for a spree, (aw owtn't to ha sed that, for awd left word at hooam'at aw wor gooin to collect information for th' benefit o' mi fellow men,) but whativver wor th' principle reason for me gooin aw know'at th' interest had summat to do wi' a jollification.
"A'a, aw wish awd stopt at hooam," he sed, as sooin as th' train gate aght o'th' station.
"Awm sooary but tha had," aw sed, low daan.
"What says ta?"
"Awm sooary tha'rt soa bad," aw shaated.
"Tha doesn't know what aw suffer, lad. Has ta owt to sup?"
"Eeah, aw've a drop'at Mally wod mak mi bring; see what it's like."
"That stirs it," he sed, when he'd had a gooid swig, "what does ta call it?"
"Nay, aw dooant know for aw've nivver tasted it. Happen it's gin?"
"Is it?" an' he held th' bottle to luk at it. "Maybe it is," he sed, an' he tuk another swig to find aght. "Nay it's nooan gin aw think, aw fancy it's whisky."
"Varry likely it is whisky," aw sed, "it doesn't luk unlike."
"Aw dooant pretend to say'at it is, for awm noa judge, but it happen is gin," an' he supt agean to mak reight sewer, an' then he handed me th' bottle an' sed, "tha can call it what tha likes but aw call it whisky—taste for thisen."