Copyright & Information

Doctor On The Job

 

First published in 1976

© Richard Gordon; House of Stratus 1976-2012

 

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form, or by any means (electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise), without the prior permission of the publisher. Any person who does any unauthorised act in relation to this publication may be liable to criminal prosecution and civil claims for damages.

 

The right of Richard Gordon to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted.

 

This edition published in 2012 by House of Stratus, an imprint of

Stratus Books Ltd., Lisandra House, Fore Street, Looe,

Cornwall, PL13 1AD, UK.

 

Typeset by House of Stratus.

 

A catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library and the Library of Congress.

 

 

This is a fictional work and all characters are drawn from the author’s imagination.

Any resemblance or similarities to persons either living or dead are entirely coincidental.

 

 

www.houseofstratus.com

About the Author

 

Richard Gordon, real name Dr. Gordon Stanley Ostlere, was born in England on 15 September 1921. He is best-known for his hilarious ‘Doctor’ books. Himself a qualified doctor, he worked as an anaesthetist at the famous St. Bartholomew’s Hospital (where he was also a medical student) and later as a ship’s surgeon, before leaving medical practice in 1952 to take up writing full time. Many of his books are based on his own true experiences in the medical profession and are all told with the wry wit and candid humour that have become his hallmark.

In all, there are eighteen titles in the Doctor Series, with further comic writings in another seven volumes, including ‘Great Medical Disasters’ and ‘Great Medical Mysteries’, plus more serious works concerning the lives of medical practitioners.

He has also published several technical books under his own name, mainly concerned with anaesthetics for both students and patients. Additionally, he has written on gardening, fishing and cricket and was also a regular contributor to Punch magazine. His ‘Private Lives’ series, taking in Dr. Crippen, Jack the Ripper and Florence Nightingale, has been widely acclaimed.

The enormous success of Doctor in the House, first published in the 1950’s, startled its author. It was written whilst he was a surgeon aboard a cargo ship, prior to a spell as an academic anaesthetist at Oxford. His only previous literary experience had been confined to work as an assistant editor of the British Medical Journal. There was, perhaps, a foretaste of things to come whilst working on the Journal as the then editor, finding Gordon somewhat jokey, put him in charge of the obituaries!

The film of Doctor in the House uniquely recovered its production costs whilst still showing at the cinema in London’s West End where it had been premiered. This endeared him to the powerful Rank Organisation who made eight films altogether of his works, which were followed by a then record-breaking TV series, and further stage productions.

Richard Gordon’s books have been translated into twenty languages.

He married a doctor and they had four children, two of whom became house surgeons. He now lives in London.

1

On a bright Monday morning in early June, Sir Lancelot Spratt, FRCS, senior surgeon of St Swithin’s Hospital, stepped through the automatically parting plate-glass entrance doors of the Bertram Bunn Wing, an annex to the towering rebuilt hospital itself. The wing was named after Sir Bertram Bunn, the St Swithin’s surgeon who assisted at the removal of King Edward the Seventh’s appendix on his Coronation Day in 1902 and made a fortune, His Majesty having invested appendicectomy with the respectability and publicity his descendants afforded showjumping. It appropriately catered exclusively for private patients, many of them paying in the foreign currency so relished and cherished as it rang in the near-empty vaults of the Bank of England less than a mile away.

The annex was ten storeys high, its peak the penthouse suite, brand new glass and concrete gleaming like an actress’ eye-tooth. Though at the edge of the City of London, it looked upon an artfully designed garden with spraying fountains, a lily pond, neatly pruned trees and vividly flowering bushes bursting from paths of snowy gravel, suggesting on sunny days the courtyard of some grassless Eastern palace. The garden was visible through the long glass wall of the entrance hall, setting an atmosphere which in his meditative moods Sir Lancelot savoured fondly. It recalled to him the souks of Casablanca and Fez which he had explored as a holidaymaking young doctor, the Casbah of Algiers, countless clamorous bazaars among tortuous rough-cobbled streets, inky black when stumbled upon from the blinding white sunlight of timeless North Africa. As the glass doors slid silently together again behind him that hot morning, he remembered with an inner smile the exciting twang of strange instruments, the spicy smell of never-tasted foods, the dark eyes gazing in intriguing if exasperating isolation above the yashmak.

The Bertram Bunn’s lobby, like the vast entrance hall of the new St Swithin’s itself, resembled those indistinguishable, interchangeable hotels which proliferate round the world for flitting businessmen, who find themselves unable to discern in which continent they have landed or even if they are still at home. The wall opposite the garden was occupied by a white plastic counter, behind which a pair of St Swithin’s porters in their brown coats and a receptionist in a white nylon overall attended to the wants and worries of patients and visitors. The luxurious wing employed the same staff as the main National Health Hospital. It was simply that section of St Swithin’s designated for paying customers, by some unknown Civil Servant in the Department of Health across London at the Elephant and Castle.

At the far end of the lobby was a small shop for the patients’ convenience, exactly as in St Swithin’s itself. But this one was crammed with objects which Sir Lancelot often eyed enviously – expensive matching sets of golf clubs, fabulously priced shotguns, jewellery, tweeds, rare and superb brands of malt whisky, stone jars of Oxford marmalade. A glittering escalator softly mumbled, lifts whisked up and down, unmemorable music unobtrusively filled the well-conditioned air. The floor was of multicoloured patterned mosaic, upon which a pair of patients’ families squatted, eating an early midday meal with their fingers from a bucket.

‘Sir Lancelot –’

‘Ah! Good morning, Matron.’ He tried to look as if he had neither noticed her nor hoped to slip past her.

‘I must see you instantly,’ she hissed.

The Bertram Bunn Wing had its own matron, staring at him distractedly from the half open door of her steel-and-glass office. She was small, brisk, blonde, divorced, still in her thirties, at that moment shrimp-pink with indignation. She wore a plain dark blue dress with a large silver St Swithin’s crest on the bosom, a tiny starched cap perched on her curls like the lid of a vol-au-vent and a pair of crisp muslin streamers floating down her neck.

‘Couldn’t it wait until lunchtime?’ Sir Lancelot suggested optimistically. ‘I’m already late. I should have started on the Sheikh of Shatt al Shufti’s double hernia twenty minutes ago.’

‘It can’t wait another moment,’ she told him fiercely.

‘The Sheikh’s probably already anaesthetized,’ he objected. ‘He has been impressed upon me as a person of such importance to our country’s economy, I feel I hardly dare keep him waiting, even unconscious.’

‘Instantly,’ she repeated.

‘He has taken the penthouse at vast expense, so can at least expect quick service –’

‘Lancelot, you are being evasive, if not cowardly.’

Sir Lancelot Spratt submissively entered her compact office.

The senior surgeon was tall and broad shouldered, chestnut haired and ruddy faced. Imagined without his beard – which few people at St Swithin’s could – like many well-reared and well-nourished Englishmen he carried into middle age a resemblance of himself as a bun-faced schoolboy. Sir Lancelot’s look commanded. His smile honoured. His frown terrified. He also possessed that air of effortless eupepsia essential in the successful medical man, and though admitting that he was neither the greatest of surgeons nor of scientists, agreed that he enjoyed the priceless professional asset of knowing absolutely everyone who mattered. As for the knighthood, he claimed that honours were largely a matter of finding the plastic spaceship in your portion of cornflakes.

‘This is the end,’ announced the matron, as she slammed the door behind him. ‘I’m tendering my resignation.’

‘Oh, come,’ said Sir Lancelot soothingly. ‘Come, come. You must be joking?’

‘Some joke!’ She gave a laugh like the caress of two sheets of emery paper.

‘You must not take such a decision lightly. It is a grave one for all of us in the Bertie Bunn, both staff and patients –’

‘Don’t talk to me about patients,’ she interrupted furiously.

Sir Lancelot stood stroking his beard, suppressing both an impatience to be in the operating theatre and an impulse to lay the matron across his knee to belabour her chubby bottom. He embarked upon the scene with weariness but confidence, having played it several times before. He often felt that the newly opened Bertram Bunn Wing aggravated his normal clinical duties with administrative and diplomatic ones sufficient to sink a man of less stormproof personality.

‘Patients! That’s why I’m resigning. This time irrevocably. One of yours, too,’ she snapped accusingly. ‘The one you’re just going to operate on. The one who took the penthouse and the whole top two floors. The one that man at the Foreign Office keeps ringing up, to ask if he’s comfy. The one with all the Rolls-Royces.’ She shuddered. ‘He did it on the floor.’

‘Dear me,’ said Sir Lancelot mildly. He suggested charitably, ‘Perhaps it was an accident?’

‘Accident be damned. He does it every morning.’

Sir Lancelot assumed a pained expression. ‘Doesn’t he ring for a bedpan? The communication system in this wing is so highly sophisticated it is of course completely unreliable. The fire brigade with their hoses always appear for cases of cardiac arrest, and that dreadful voyeuristic television engineer whenever women go into labour –’

‘Bedpan!’ said the matron contemptuously. ‘I offered him one. With my own hands. He waved it away, quite imperiously. His interpreter explained that he could never demean himself by sitting on so ignoble a utensil.’

‘He is the Sheikh of Shatt al Shufti, I suppose,’ Sir Lancelot reflected.

‘Was that meant to be a stupid joke?’

‘Good grief, no.’ He chuckled. ‘It was perfectly inadvertent. But rather good, don’t you think?’

‘Have you no sense of shame?’

‘My dear Matron, you must remember that the Sheikh does it like that as a matter of course in his tent, or whatever he lives in at home. A man simply comes along with a pan and a little brush, like you see after the Household Cavalry. We must surely make allowances for foreign customs? The poor denizens of the Middle East have no hospitals of their own. So anyone who feels ill and has the money flies to London. It’s nearer and cheaper than New York, and the nurses are warmer-hearted. Even our own Earl’s Court Angels, whose hearty femininity and spicy language I always think brings a refreshing breeze from the Australian outback to the sickbed. Harrod’s is quite as good as Macy’s and the television programmes are of better quality. We’re inescapably in the invisible export business, Matron. Like Anne Hathaway’s cottage.’

‘And I’m sick to death of it. It’s bad enough with their wives and concubines sleeping all over the floors like bundles of black washing. Roasting whole sheep in the garden –’

‘We enjoy our barbecues –’

‘But we don’t eat the entire entrails and eyes. Now there’s these Africans and Chinese who seem to have all the money in the world descending on us by the hundred, not to mention the French and Italians, who to my mind can be just as coarse and smell just as badly, if different. Not that I’ve anything in the slightest against foreigners as such.’

The matron had gone pinker, and was shaking so violently that Sir Lancelot discerned with disquiet that she was trembling on the brink of tears. Only two items in life disturbed him, a weeping pretty woman and the smell of raw onions. He knew the matron was invaluable and irreplaceable in the Bertram Bunn Wing. He also knew that she was delicate Dresden, easily cracked. He would have to apply the putty.

‘My dear, dear Matron, look at it this way. Once upon a time these Arabs were only too eager to sell us their oil. Or for that matter, their sisters. I remember a remarkable number on offer one evening out in Port Said. Now they have us firmly by the petrol pumps, it’s understandable they should be as beastly arrogant towards us as we used to be towards them. Isn’t it the old British Empire come home to roost? If only we’d sent a gunboat to Mr Mussadiq in his pyjamas twenty-five years ago,’ he sighed. ‘But unfortunately Lord Palmerston is as dead as Queen Anne. And anyway the Americans would never have let us, because they thought the British Empire dreadfully naughty and told Mr Churchill to get rid of it.’

But the matron needed solace warmer than a kiss of history. ‘It’s such a shame, such a waste, that this lovely new wing, crammed with the very latest scientific and medical equipment, should be dragged down to the same standards as everything else in the country. After my years of dedicated nursing, it’s too much.’ Her voice finally shrieked past the pressure-valve of professional decorum. ‘On the floor! Polished parquet!’

She laid her blonde curls against the lapel of Sir Lancelot’s formal black jacket and started to cry.

Sir Lancelot patted her briskly on the back, as though burping a baby. ‘I always like to remember in trying circumstances the words of St Augustine,’ he imparted soothingly. ‘Let nothing disturb thee, Let nothing affright thee, All passeth away, God alone will stay, Patience obtaineth all things.’

‘Oh, Lancelot! You’re so cultured. Quite unlike the younger doctors.’

‘I have taken to reading in bed since the death of my poor wife.’

‘That must be six months now.’ She dabbed her eyes with a small, plain handkerchief.

‘Near on a year.’

‘How time goes by. I always think that talking to some sympathetic listener about the book you are reading makes it far more interesting.’

Perceiving how the subject of conversation had made a definite change, Sir Lancelot extracted himself from the matron’s arms and nearly from her office almost before she had noticed it.

‘I haven’t finished yet –’ She stopped him in the open doorway. ‘Pip. You know, Philip Chipps. My elder sister’s boy. He’s up for the clinical of his surgery finals tomorrow morning.’

‘I can only wish him the best of British luck.’

‘Now you’re being obtuse.’ She resumed her previous fieriness. ‘You know perfectly well it’s the poor young man’s last chance. You’ve already failed him three times. If he doesn’t pass this one, he’ll be thrown out of St Swithin’s for good and all. You’re all dreadfully unfair on him. He may appear slightly disorganized on the surface, but that comes from a father who seems more interested in his butterfly collection than his practice. Underneath, Pip is dreadfully serious and utterly dedicated to his work.’

‘Possibly. But he suffers a singular disadvantage for a surgeon. He is accident-prone.’

‘That’s of no significance,’ she dismissed the objection. ‘Because once qualified he intends to become a psychiatrist. It’s just like you, Lancelot. You make up your mind you dislike somebody or something, and nothing will budge your opinion. It’s exactly the same about everything else in the hospital, from your cholecystograms to your coffee.’

‘I can recall the exact moment when I formed the view you mention. When discovering it was your nephew who had tucked a hose from the cold tap into my left boot while I was scrubbed up and operating.’

‘That’s another tragedy about poor Pip. He’s so easygoing and good natured he’s easily made a fool of. He was tricked into doing it by that dreadful pair Havens and Raffles – who I am utterly horrified to see are now St Swithin’s housemen. They told Pip you’d ordered it to keep your feet cool.’

‘Such gullibility may equip him splendidly for a career in psychiatry. But an examiner must assume the possibility, however alarming, of him practising hard-headed medicine.’

‘Please see he gets through,’ said the matron, slamming the door.

Sir Lancelot shook his head slowly, picking his way past the engrossed lunchers towards the lifts. Sometimes even his own ironclad personality came within danger of foundering.

2

‘Morning, Solly,’ said Sir Lancelot, passing the St Swithin’s skin specialist in the doorway of the dining-room. ‘I hope you’re encountering no sales resistance among our customers.’

‘Some of my best patients are Arabs,’ Dr Cohen told him.

The medical staff dining-room in the Bertram Bunn Wing was a small, bright apartment on the first floor, overlooking the garden. It was decorated with an allegorical mural depicting Charles Hill of the British Medical Association and Nye Bevan inaugurating the National Health Service in 1948. Both were depicted as Florence Nightingales passing soothingly with their lamps along rows of agonized, frenzied casualties, and nobody could decide if these represented the suffering public or the medical profession. Sir Lancelot always ate with his back to it.

‘Hello, Lancelot, what have you been up to?’ asked Sir Lionel Lychfield, the Dean of St Swithin’s Medical School, looking up from The Times as the surgeon sat next to him at one of the square tables.

‘The Sheikh of Shatt al Shufti’s bilateral inguinal hernia. I did his hydroceles for an encore. I was going to leave them as shock absorbers for riding his camel, but of course the fellow hasn’t had a rougher ride than a Rolls-Royce for years. I hope he won’t be cross. At home, he punishes thieves by lopping off their hands. And I suppose other offenders by the removal of similarly appropriate parts. I distinctly didn’t like the look of his two bodyguards lurking outside the operating theatre.’

Sir Lancelot opened the glossy-covered menu. The Bertram Bunn Wing enjoyed the reputation among medical consultants as the best place to eat in London. The food came from the same kitchens as the St Swithin’s National Health patients’, but its own chef toothsomely overcame the challenge of all possible physical states, religious obligations and national or personal tastes. He provided a dozen attractive diets – low calorie, low sodium, high protein, low cholesterol, diabetic, duodenal, vegetarian, kosher, Mohammedan, Cantonese, Pekinese and Indian, as well as his normal cordon bleu. This nourishment being heavily subsidized, the dean ate there whenever he could in preference to the St Swithin’s consultants’ mess. He was famous in the hospital for a purse as tight as an oyster with lockjaw.

Sir Lancelot asked the young waitress in a green ward orderly’s smock for some cheese sandwiches and a glass of orange juice. The dean ordered entrecôte garni with extra vegetables. ‘The matron’s gone neurotic again, by the way,’ Sir Lancelot told him.

‘I do wish she were a more stable sort of female,’ the dean said testily. He was short and skinny, with a pointed bald head and large round glasses beneath straight, bristly black eyebrows. These became agitated in his frequent storms of exasperation, when they always suggested to Sir Lancelot a pair of hairy caterpillars performing a love-dance. ‘But of course, she is highly decorative, as matrons go,’ the dean conceded. ‘And if you’re paying an absolute fortune for your penthouse, you don’t want to be ushered into it by someone with the appearance and attitude of a seaside landlady during a wet August.’

‘She’s threatening to go again. But she won’t. She had exactly the same tantrums last January. You may remember, that was when a newly admitted patient, understandably unfamiliar with such complexities of civilization as air-conditioning controls, lit a fire in the middle of his room by chopping up the furniture. She’s also been on about her nephew, Chipps. I suppose if I have to fail him in surgery again tomorrow, he’s for the boot?’

‘Most definitely. Can’t encourage idleness in the medical school. It doesn’t matter whose nephews they are, even the Minister of Social Services.’

Sir Lionel Lychfield was one of St Swithin’s dozen or so consultant general physicians. But as dean of the medical school, he exercised the power and high-minded severity over its students of Dr Arnold at Rugby. ‘That’s the trouble with the younger generation,’ he went on. ‘Laziness, lack of application, no sense of purpose, complete indifference to their elders, and in fact to all authority whatever. Not all of them, naturally,’ he corrected himself briskly. ‘Some of our young are absolutely first-class. They restore your faith in the coming generation and humanity in general. My youngest daughter Faith, for example –’

‘You told me about your youngest daughter Faith at lunch last week,’ Sir Lancelot interrupted.

‘Young Faith! Barely eighteen years old. Already with the serious intent and the sense of vocation of a budding Florence Nightingale.’ The dean nodded proudly towards the mural. ‘Faith neither smokes nor drinks nor wears jeans, and devotes her life to helping the underprivileged –’

‘So you were saying last week –’

‘Do you know what she’s been doing all this month? Living in this austere hostel under barracklike discipline down in Fulham. On a pittance – I must say, these voluntary service organizations do quite blatantly exploit the good nature of girls like Faith. She gives the full benefit of her sweet and altruistic character to the down-and-outs they collect off the Embankment and similar places. Though I suspect most of them are simply too lazy to do a decent day’s work, and if I had my way would be given a pick and sent down the coalmines.’

Noticing that Sir Lancelot was staring dreamily out of the window, the dean turned back to his newspaper, giving it an irritated shake. ‘God knows what the country’s coming to,’ he muttered. ‘Everyone today seems to think he’s entitled to a job for life, doing exactly the same work for steadily rising pay, even if nobody wants in the slightest what he happens to be making. Otherwise, everyone simply comes out on strike, and lives on the benefits the rest of us have to provide under this ghastly “pipsqueak” taxation. It’s a wonder there aren’t still factories making horseshoes and carriage-springs –’

He broke off with a noise like a rusty gate in a gale.

‘What’s the matter?’ asked Sir Lancelot, looking alarmed.

‘They’ve caged our fox.’ Sir Lancelot seemed puzzled. ‘The St Swithin’s shop steward. Or our “SS man”, as I preferred to describe him,’ the dean added grimly. ‘That little twit who represented all the trade unionists at St Swithin’s, ever since they merged into the Amalgamated Confederation of Hospital Employees, ACHE. Read that.’

He indicated the In brief column.

 

MALE NURSE JAILED

Arthur Pince (22), male nurse, was imprisoned for three years at the Old Bailey for indecent exposure and shoplifting. Mr Pince asked for a record number of 82 other charges to be taken into consideration.

 

‘They said he was the most bent shop steward in Britain,’ exclaimed the dean in anguish. ‘You could have used his vertebral column for a corkscrew.’

‘I know nothing about this man’s activities. All politics bore me, and hospital ones to distraction. From his utterances, I always thought him a seagreen incorruptible Robespierre.’

‘Muddy and loaded with valuable flotsam and jetsam, more likely,’ said the dean with a bitter laugh. ‘These revolutionaries are all the same. Morality and misery for the masses, sybaritism for themselves. Pince was as susceptible to flattery as an infant to chicken-pox. He took bribes – or rather presents in the interests of good employer-staff relationships – with the ease and frequency of bookmakers taking bets on Derby Day. I believe he was also susceptible in the right mood to blackmail.’

‘I play golf with the President of ACHE,’ reflected Sir Lancelot, but the dean was too distracted to hear.

‘I wish the stupid twerp had mentioned his little legal difficulties. I’ve several good friends among the judges. And what’s a touch of indecency, when one can’t walk more than half a mile about London at night without getting one’s face smashed in?’

Sir Lancelot looked puzzled. ‘But if I never had any dealings with this Pince person, I don’t see why any other members of the medical staff should.’

‘You nevertheless enjoyed the benefit. If we hadn’t kept him sweet, he’d have started interfering with the hospital’s private beds.’ The dean embraced his surroundings with a quick glance. ‘That doesn’t seem to worry you?’

‘Not particularly.’

‘But surely you must be in favour of private practice?’ the dean asked impatiently.

Sir Lancelot sat back to meditate on this question. ‘In principle, yes. I think people should be allowed to pay, to avoid dying among people they would not usually be seen dead with. Also to perform their bodily functions in solitude and switch off the television when they feel like it. And doubtless we must condone the snobbery of the Shires, by keeping their daughters from aborting in public beds. It also occurs to me that private beds could richly subsidize the free ones. But raising the standards of the lowest towards the highest, instead of vice versa, would go against the cherished principles of the British people.’

Ignoring the lecture, the dean stared resentfully at the news item. ‘We shan’t have the luck to be landed again in the power of an immature youth who combines sex and kleptomania. Those union bosses knew perfectly well that something fishy was going on at St Swithin’s. They’ll see our members of ACHE elect a really tough egg as the new SS man.’

‘I deplore hospitals becoming a circus for trade union power politics, like every other institution in the country,’ observed Sir Lancelot loftily, as his lunch arrived. ‘But that is a trivial activity, compared with getting the patients on their feet. How unappreciated are the minor miracles of modern science,’ he remarked, holding up his glass. ‘This fresh orange juice is transported in little drums in a state of unrelenting iciness from the steamy groves of Florida, Dipping through the Tropics by the palmgreen shores, as Masefield put it, just to satisfy my passing whim in the shadow of St Paul’s Cathedral. Wonderful. Sir Bertram Bunn himself could never have foreseen it.’

The dean shot him a narrow glance. Everyone at St Swithin’s was saying how Sir Lancelot had mellowed since his wife died. He wondered if it was really softening of the brain.